charlieDEAN’S Blog

i think it’s quite obvious by now that i’m a foodie.  so i was watching chefography on foodTV.  and the one i was watching last night was about this particular chef who drives me nuts.  i like the concept of her show on foodTV, but her tone of voice, oufit choices, etc., drive me up a wall.

but then i saw the story of how she grew up — about how at 16 years old she was living on her own.  about her fragmented childhoods, taking care of younger siblings because the parenting situation was less than ideal.  and by the end of the show i had a newfound admiration for her and what she’s made of her life.

stories matter.

it’s so easy to judge people by the exterior.  it’s so easy to label people.  but almost always, when someone shares their story, it makes a difference in how you see them.

but here’s the paradox…in our hyper-kinetic culture, we seldom have time for stories.  so we settle for labels & exteriors.

no this isn’t about the Anne Murray song. (although, i have a strange memory of playing that song on vinyl a lot when i was a kid)

i’m re-reading Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard, which in my estimation should probably be the starting point for any significant discussion of spiritual formation. it’s brilliant.

anyway, i’m in chapter 7, “Transforming the Mind, 2″ and he’s talking about the balance between “reason” and “feelings,” and he says this:

“those who are wise will, accordingly, never allow themselves, if they can help it, to get in a position where they feel too deeply about any human matter. They will never willingly choose to allow feeling to govern them. they will carefully keep the pathway open to the house of reason and go there regularly to listen.”

i think i understand what he’s getting after. and i think in many ways i agree, but i read between the lines cold detachment from life in what he’s saying here, and that doesn’t sit well. not sure exactly what to think…

This morning Jennifer was gone for a couple hours, so I was sitting at the counter, working on my notebook (which came home yesterday!!). Madox is in bed sleeping, and Jaxon, for a long time did everything he could to get my attention. I pretty much ignored him, cuz I’ve got work to do, emails to write, etc.

So after about an hour of just being irritated with him, he was entertaining himself with mega-blocks. (He builds towers until they get too tall and fall over, then he yells at them…hilarious!) Anyway, I said to him, “Jaxon, do you want a hug?” He jumps up and comes running, but is so excited that he trips over his own legs. Twice. And it would have been a third time if I hadn’t caught him. And he’s laughing the whole time because he can’t wait for Daddy to wrap him up in a big hug.

I don’t spiritualize everything, but just in that second I wondered, “Does God look at me as that eager to run into his arms? Or am I too cool for school…nonchalant, lackadaisical, aloof most of the time, with my hands in my pocket?”

Convicting.

I came across this section in A Testament of Devotion this morning, where Kelly is talking about the idea that when we are living in such a way that we are “drowned in the overwhelming seas of the love of God,” that we see other people differently.  Then, he goes on to talk about seeing church leaders in a different way, and he says this:

In some [church leaders] we regret a well-intentioned, but feverish over-busyness, not completely grounded in the depths of peace, and we wish they would not blur the beauty of their souls by fast motion.

Wow!  That speaks powerfully.  It hard to think of any church leaders (myself included) who don’t constantly battle “well-intentioned, but feverish over-busyness.”  Even when I try to be grounded in the “depths of peace,” there’s a constant voice, screaming in my head about the ever-present “to-do list.”

What a great reminder from Kelly that busyness blurs the beauty of a soul!

I think I’ve alluded to this throughout the year, but in January I set out to read the whole Bible through in a year.  A different times in my life I’ve employed different strategies of Bible reading, and it had been some time since I did the “Bible-in-a-year” plan.  This morning I finished Zechariah & Malachi, and so, with just a few days to spare, I’m finished.  Here are some of my insights:

• I like the Discipleship Journal Bible Reading Plan.  Each day you do 4 readings: OT, Wisdom Literature, Gospels, NT.  I like this approach because you don’t get bogged down in the prophets, for example.
• I got behind — often — and had to play some catch up.  This is less than ideal.  I’m hoping to be more disciplined this year.
• Sometimes…especially in the gospel readings, the plan moves too slow.  Covering the four gospels in a year is a little painful for someone who loves good stories.
• I guess I’m not very spiritual…Isaiah, Ezekiel & Jeremiah are TOUGH reading for me.  It takes extraordinary focus & discipline for me to keep plugging away through these books.
• As a “list person” I like being able to look at my last year’s reading all cheked off.

I’ll probably do this plan again this year…but supplement my reading with a more intensive year-long study of something…I have an idea, but I’m open to suggestions.

God’s doing something in me.  It seems over the last couple months there’s been a new spiritual hunger inside that has to do with spiritual discipline and the desire to somehow make God more and more a part of my everyday life — basically, to make even the littlest acts in my life spiritual.

So I was really excited to start reading Lauren Winner’s Mudhouse Sabbath this morning.  Here’s part of the description from the back of the book:

After her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity, Lauren Winner found that her life was indelibly marked by the rich tradtions and spiritual practices of Judaism.  She set out to discover how she could incorporate some of these practices into her new faith.

This morning I read her thoughts about two Jewish practices: Sabbath observance & attentive eating.  And so, this morning I’m asking myself…how do these practices fit into my life.  Or maybe that’s the wrong question…maybe I should be asking, how do I fit my life into these practices?  Two challenges loom large — 1.  I work at a church that has services both Saturday & Sunday and therefore, I work, often both days and 2. I have four small children that need tended to.

     I admire David & Megan…they already practice both Shabbat. 

I’m reading Lauren Winner’s book Girl Meets God (the subtitle is the title of this post).  It’s really refreshing to me.  It’s a biopic about her journey into orthodox Judaism, and her subsequent conversion to Christianity.  Her writing style, in this book, is very much in the same vein as Anne Lamott, Kathleen Norris, & Donald Miller — honest, gritty and yet literary.

Anyway, here’s a quotation that had me thinking.  She’s describing a conversation with a friend:

We meet and walk, and, because it is crisp and perfect out, we sit on a bench in front of some large New Haven church and then minutes later we are talking about tznuit, modesty, what the rabbinic texts say, and how to read them, and I remember this is what drew me to Judaism, in the first place, these words, turning them over like marbles in my hand, living inside these texts like clothes.  Sometimes they are wool and they scratch and you want to take them off and maybe you do but you never stay naked for long.

So, here’s the thing: I’m not proposing that we become rules-obsessed like much rabbinic thought, but there’s this beauty in it — that they love to talk and debate and “turn the text over like marbles in their hands” that betrays a deep dedication to understanding the words of Scripture.  Very cool.

It happened for the most (and most likely not the last) time the other day…I came around the corner in the basement just in time to hear my oldest son’s friend say, “Why don’t you like your mommy & daddy?” and he responded with “Because they always tell me what to do and we don’t ever do any fun stuff.”  (Ironically, I was working on building a fire at the time so we could cook out and camp in the yard.)

I know that he’s six…and he doesn’t really mean it…and I’m pretty sure he loves us.  But it still hurt a little bit.

Thing is…he has no idea how much we love him…and how his words can hurt.

Then I think…I’m sure this is how God feels about my words sometimes…

I’m still trying to process all this, and since it just happened today, I don’t have all my thoughts together…so this post is a lot about me trying to put some things into words…

Today, I had the privilege of attending Leslie’s baptism at Kevin & Summer’s.  First off, someone said it well: the Slettens don’t throw parties…they throw events!  They did a great job of making it awesome — the hospitality gift runs deep in the Slettens.

So here’s what happened:  Leslie invited anyone she wanted…I counted at least forty people surrounding the hot tub on the deck.  I welcomed people, talked briefly about what baptism signifies & prayed.  Leslie read her testimony through many tears.  People from the crowd affirmed Leslie by calling out Christian attributes in her life.  Then Summer baptized her…we cheered…I prayed…we had a great lunch.  Then our small group and a few of the college students stayed to watch football all afternoon.  So here are some thoughts/questions:

• How cool that Leslie read her testimony and was baptized in front of some of her friends that she used to party with…as I understand it, this is the whole point of baptism — that you publicly declare your faith in Jesus — in front of people that know how you used to live.  Do we take away some of the meaning by moving into a church and doing it in front of all the church people….I wonder if Leslie’s friends would have come if it was at Northwoods?
• I found myself wondereding today if 40 people gathering at a house, celebrating new life in Christ, eating together, talking, sharing in their life — I saw two people praying together later in the day — I wonder if this is more “church” than sitting in a seat to see a great performance and hear an “inspiring” message (I use the word “inspiring” on purpose) and then heading out to lunch afterwards with the same 2-3 people that you rode to church with.  I know that I work at a megachurch…and I’m not knocking it…I just wonder sometimes if maybe our goal should be to make people’s experience a lot more like the one I had today.
• It really was a beautiful thing to see Summer — who is Leslie’s mentor — baptizing her.  Where in the Bible do we get this idea that you have to get your “pastor card” in order to baptize people?
• I loved that my sons were “up close” to see Leslie baptized.  I love that it causes them to ask questions…I want them to be exposed to those kinds of things…even if they don’t quite understand it yet, I want to spark curiosity…I want them to see adults on a faith journey.
• I loved that as the pastor, I wasn’t at the center of the whole deal.  I sometimes feel like — even when I do weddings and people come up and say things like “great ceremony, pastor” — I just hate it…I’m not supposed to be the center of attention…THEY ARE!  Today, Leslie — and her journey of deeper obedience – was the star of the show and it was AWESOME…I love to be a part and not have to be at the center!

Everyone I talked to was deeply moved…if you were there…let us know your thoughts…I was looking for some blog posts from Justin, Leslie, or Ben, but no one has said anything…

I meant to have a picture…but I haven’t gotten one yet.

One of the things I love about Brandon, is his confidence in proclaiming his weakness.  His post Internal Personality Conflict Syndrome is a great example of how he points at his own weakness in a way that lets others say “me too” — and then, having named our weakness, allows us to begin journeying together towards a better way.

But Brandon, I’m going to push you a little farther down the road of your syndrome, to what is perhaps the psychosis form.  I’ll call this condition Internalized Conflicted Psychosis.  In this state, the conflict moves from issues like indecisiveness about what to buy, to a general feeling of conflict that pervades every area of my life.  Here are some of the conflicts I feel:

• I love community, I want to be known.  I want to hide and pout and avoid the people that most give me hope.
• I am emergent, fresh, wrestling with my faith in new ways.  I am tied to my past and often choose to adopt what is safe over what ignites my heart.
• I am a great dad, no one could love their kids more than I.  I love myself and always seem to find new levels of selfishness.
• I believe that churches should be missional — in the world, making a difference.  I believe churches should be attractional, creating a safe harbor for spiritual seekers.
• I believe that God is good, and that he knows my name.  I’m pretty sure God has no clue who I am, and wants to wreck my life (someone told me that I’m a tortured person…which is totally true)

I could go on and on, but Brennen Manning describes me perfectly (by the way, this may be my favorite book quotation of all time):

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.” (from The Ragamuffin Gospel)